So without further ado:
Tennessee: "Whoa whoa whoa Alex, I can get some of the states you want to sell, but come on, there are way more states that should be sold before Tennessee. What could they have possibly be done to warrant be sold 6th?" Is what you should have just said. If you didn't, please take a moment to go ahead and say it right now. Did you say it? Of course you did, because you all are my puppets and do my bidding as I see fit. DANCE PUPPETS DANCE!
I digress. We should sell Tennessee because a used cars salesman that I had the unfortunate circumstance to interact with is from Tennessee. And ladies and gentleman, I am nothing if not petty and spiteful. This turd-copter tried telling me his Kia poop-mobile doesn't depreciate in value when taken off the lot. I then informed him he is a liar. And you know what happens when you lie don't you? An angel gets diarrhea. That's right folks, the used car salesman gave an angel diarrhea. The bastard. When trying to find non-petty and spiteful reasons to sell this state, I came across these facts:
- Cumberland University, located in Lebanon, lost a football game to Georgia Tech on October 7, 1916 by a score of 222 to 0. The Georgia Tech coach was George Heisman for whom the Heisman Trophy is named.
- Any person who participates in a duel may not hold any public office in the state. (Real Law)
- Giving and receiving oral sex is still prohibited by law.
Who we should sell this state to? New Zealand. No real reason. Just feel they could use a shitty state.
Illinois: Chicago Cubs. The Bears. Do I really need to say more? Probably not but I will in this case. Look at how the state name is spelled. I-L-L-I-N-O-I-S. Notice that "s" on the end? Well if you pronounce it around anyone from that state, be prepared for one of three reactions: One - they incessantly bitch at you about mispronouncing their state name. Look, if you want your state name pronounced correctly have an easier to pronounce name dickheads. I don't care if people mispronounce city names from cities here in Wisconsin. Two - They bitch at you, but then they also give you examples of other words to try to make you feel stupid. "Do you pronounce the 'k' in the word knee? NO!" Why yes I do, stop assuming things. And if you don't leave me alone I'm going to kah-nife you in the kah-nee. Three - a stroke. This generally happens with the older people. The third reaction is usually okay with me though, because I feel you are doing a favor to the country by killing off someone from Illinois. Let's face it, they were probably a Cubs or Bears fan.
Who should we sell this state to? Antarctica. That way people would actually inhabit Antarctica because someone would rather live in that frozen waste land then Illinois. (Imagine me saying that while pronouncing the "s").
Michigan: Michigan had Detroit. Back in the day when Detroit wasn't a festering black hole of sadness and despair, that was something to brag about. Now though, having Detroit is like having a weird bump on your naughty parts. Something you don't want to tell anyone about and frankly, you should probably get looked at. Also, what's the deal with "upper" Michigan being attached to a different state? Michigan is clearly like the big kid in a day care who goes to another kid, takes their toy and says "Mine". Michigan is a big bully. And you know what we do with bullies? We are passive aggressive towards them, and then when the opportunity comes stab them 59 times, attach cement blocks to their ankles and throw them in Lake Michigan at around 3:00 in the morning. Then you drive home and start setting up an alibi for yourself. Something solid. "I was sleeping" won't cut it. Ideally you can do it the night before a big exam. Then spend as much time as you can before the killing and disposing of the body studying with people. Then take your phone with you on your task and text/chat with your classmates regarding the test. That will probably hold up. You also have to do good on the test though, that's crucial! Then, after the deed is done, you never talk about it again. Though sometimes when you go to sleep at night, you swear you can hear the sounds of bubbles as the water fills your victims lungs and the last bit of air he had escapes. You will likely never be able to go into the water again, at least not without wetting yourself. But that's okay, cause you killed Frank...err...I mean Michigan, and it was totally worth it.
Who should we sell this state to? I actually have no answer. After my extremely detailed and messed up story, plus seeing as Michigan has that weird bump on its private parts, I don't really want to impose it on anyone. Maybe put up a big sign that can be seen on it and says "Free for the taking Aliens, if you just would please stop probing us!"
Georgia: Remember earlier when I said I am petty and spiteful? Well that comes into play here too. Back in August of '08, Russia invaded the country of Georgia. Here's the thing though, I'm dumb. And so when I heard that, I thought Russia invaded the United States and entered into Georgia the state. I was both terrified and impressed with the prowess of Putin. Only he would have such vision and the balls large enough to do something like that. I went on thinking that for most of the day too. Eventually I saw the news or something and I was corrected. Fortunately for me, I didn't share this thought I had with anyone. However, I could have, and I would have looked really dumb. Well FUCK YOU Georgia for almost making me look dumber then I already am. You are a big jerk face and I want to sell you.
Who should we sell this state to? Easy, Georgia. That way, if it happens again, I'll be right no matter what I think!
Well folks, that's all for this posting. Hope you enjoy learning about the states we should sell and why! And, if you disagree with any of my rationale, please feel free to comment. I'll completely disregard it because I'm right and you are wrong, but it's a way to make yourself heard!
