This purpose of this post is simple, to tell you about the greatest movie of all time. Truly. It is a film that transcends all other movies, and after watching it, will make you a better person. I struggled with whether or not to write this post. I wasn't sure if I wanted to because I wasn't sure if I could write a review that did this movie justice without spoiling parts of the movie. Then, as I was contemplating this movie, it came to me, as great ideas so often do, that it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because as I describe the movie you will either 1) Will want to see it because of my awesome descriptive ability. 2) Will want to see it because you think I'm full of shit, which is quite often the case or 3) Will likely end up seeing it because I will reveal it is available for streaming on Netflix so really, what will it cost you?
So, on with the movie! I would describe what Rubber is about, but I don't really know. If you watch the trailer, which can be seen here: ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6G5pyFhmAqE ) You might come away thinking the movie is about a tire, which has the ability to move on its own and that has the ability to blow things up, that goes on a murderous rampage and is in love with (or as I originally thought is a rapist) a woman. Which would be all fine and dandy, and that plot line on it's own makes sense. You can follow that. You can learn to accept that a tire might be able to move on its own, has the ability to blow shit up and that it would also fall in love with a woman. That, however, is not the case.
The movie opens with a character talking about how some movies don't have a rhyme or reason to why they do what they do. They just "do." He then directs a group of individuals to watch such an example of a movie. You then are introduced to our tire, which the trailer calls Robert. The tire gets up from its slumber in the desert and starts to roll along. While moving along it seems to find it can blow shit up. Which, understandably, seems to be fun so the tire blows up everything it can. While on it's blowing shit up binge, it comes across a woman which peeks the tire's interest. (This is probably the most logical part of the movie, because when I saw her my first thought was "If I was a tire, I'd want her"). The tire then tries following the woman and on his stalking journey finds himself at a hotel. Around this point in the movie, the audience within the movie watching the movie, is poisoned. The then director says "alright folks, you can stop acting now." To which the people "in the movie" are confused because they have no idea what the fuck he is talking about. As that all probably sound confusing, I'll try to say it again in a different way to make sure we are all on the same page.
The movie Rubber starts out about people being told by a director to watch a movie about a tire and that the movie doesn't need to make sense. The director then poisons the audience and tells the other actors in the movie to quit acting, they are all done. These actors then say, what the fuck are you talking about, we have a woman here with no head who is dead. This is real.
Are you with me? No? Good.
The director then comes to find that one of the audience members is still alive because he didn't eat the poisoned food. So he decides he needs to keep acting. And also realizes there is really a murderous tire on the run. So the movie goes on with the cops (I didn't really explain this, but the director is acting as a cop. Or is really a cop since the movie is real. Or it's not. At this point you don't really have a clue as to what's going on and you are considering taking acid or some other drug in hopes to bring order back to the chaos that is now your world thanks to the movie Rubber) trying to catch Robert, our murderous tire. They eventually get it cornered in a house. Now the movie takes a turn for the weird when trying to lure the tire out of the house to kill it, the cops use a mannequin with a bomb strapped to it. They then have a woman, the woman the tire is obsessed with, talk to lure it out. However, the dialogue she is told to use by the cop/director is bad porno dialogue. She can't really read it so the cop/director reads it. The tire comes out and they (the police) blow it up. Remember the audience member that lived? Well he comes back and tells the director that this isn't how the movie can end. It's anti-climatic. To which the cop responds by taking a shot gun and shooting the tire in it's smug murderous tire face. The end.
Or not. The movie decides it hasn't mind fucked you, the viewer, enough yet, so somehow the tire is reincarnated in a tricycle. Which then somehow brings other tires to life and the family of tires travels down the road until eventually they can see the Hollywood sign.
Now it's the end of the movie.
I know what you're thinking. You are starting to get a panicky feeling, thinking "Shit, someone must have drugged me." No, that's the feeling this movie gives you. I'm pretty sure the director, Quentin Dupieux is actually the original pac-man and after having lived in the dark eating magic pills listening to electronica for a couple decades somehow became a man and this is the result of two years of constant pill popping. You will walk away from watching this movie for a new found appreciation of the real world. The real world which now makes perfect sense to you. It doesn't matter who you are, you will appreciate the fact that you aren't in a movie within a movie about a murderous rapist tire. You will go to your loved ones and hug them a little tighter and make sure they always know you love them. When given more work at work, you will say to your boss, "Thank you sir/ma'am" because your boss giving you work is something that makes sense. You can wrap your head around it. Each day you will live life more to the fullest because you never know if another movie will come around and fuck with you like that again, and the next movie might be the last, and so you want to get the most out of life before that happens.
In short, Rubber, will make you a better person.
So as I mentioned above, the movie is on Netflix for streaming. Go and watch it. You can thank me later.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Completely Messed up and 100% real news stories
Because I feel the national and mainstream news can be sometimes depressing, and most of the news people have a special talent at making me want to punch a baby, I often go travel the path less taken to find my news. I thought I would do the same for you, my readers, because I am nice, have a little free time on my hands and because I can use this as an opportunity to pass judgement on others to make me feel better about myself!
Headline: NJ woman charged in penis silicone injection death
The story, which is rather short, is that a woman injected a man's penis with silicone, presumably to make it bigger, and the man died. First of all, this woman is from New Jersey which I feel has to be taken into consideration. I mean look at Jersey Shore. It's not like that place breeds the smartest of people. The real question I have is, how bad does this woman have to be to require injecting a man's penis with silicone to make it bigger? I know a lot of guys, and if a gal can't make his Johnson bigger immediately, give him a couple of drinks and voila, like magic his penis will come out for her like she is some sort of snake charmer luring out a King Cobra. Though, as this story develops, if the guy she injected the penis of was anything like Jersey Shore's "The Situation", I think she should be given some sort of reward. The character of the dead penis man definitely needs to be taken into consideration.
http://usnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2011/12/09/9335265-nj-woman-charged-in-penis-silicone-injection-death
Next: Mugger Left Bloodied After Attempt on MMA Fighter
This story comes out of Chicago. The would-be mugger asked a guy in a car for a lighter. Guy in said car did not have a lighter. Apparently, the mugger got really pissed at this and decided that the appropriate response was not "Oh okay, thanks anyway" and was instead to say pull out a gun and say "GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR AND GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY! IF YOU DON'T HAVE A LIGHTER TO GIVE ME THEN I WILL ROB YOU AND FUCKING BUY ONE MYSELF DICKWAD!" (I'm assuming that's what he said cause that's what I would say). The driver of the car got out and managed to distract the mugger by presumably saying "Hey, I think that guy over there is handing out free lighters!" and then wrestled the gun away. Somehow in the struggle, I'm assuming the mugger saw that his target was clearly built and not afraid to defend himself and so thought "Oh shit, what have I gotten myself into?" Then he shot himself in the ankle. I approve of this move because shooting yourself in the foot is so cliche. After that, the driver beat up the mugger and restrained him until police came, where they likely laughed at the mugger and took him to the hospital. Moral of the story, if someone doesn't have a lighter, don't rob them because you will get your ass kicked and shoot yourself in the ankle.
http://usnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2011/12/06/9246414-mugger-left-bloodied-after-attempt-on-mma-fighter
Final story (for now?): Chinese Officials Caught Being Lazy at Anti-Lazy Training
I have so many ways I want to go with the story. The title pretty much explains it all. These workers were supposed to be watching a video conference on how to not be lazy, and in the process, were caught sleeping or reading newspapers. First of all, the material in the video conference was "to remind officials they cannot leave their posts, play games or 'attend recreational activities' during office hours." Neither sleeping or reading the paper were mentioned in that, so I don't know how these Chinese officials can be called lazy. They really needed to come up with a more comprehensive list. Secondly, I'm a fan of good-natured racism. Let's face it, the Chinese are not known for their stupidity or laziness. A blog I visit for a good laugh (http://www.quickmeme.com/High-Expectations-Asian-Father/) is all about the high expectations of Chinese parents. So the fact that this is a problem is kind of funny to me. And really, reading the paper is not what I would categorize as lazy as you are still engaging your mind. I'll give them the sleeping one, though, when you sleep you dream, and dreaming is normally work. One minute you're sleeping, the next you are shopping for peanut butter at Wal-Mart with your first grade teacher, your crazy Uncle Mike and a dolphin. So in my opinion, even the Chinese's laziness is not laziness by my book. Being on Facebook, watching TV or burning down your kitchen so you don't have to do the dishes is laziness to me. The Chinese, while incredibly smart, have a lot to learn about what is "lazy." I have more but I'm too lazy to write it...
http://worldnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2011/12/09/9330723-chinese-officials-caught-being-lazy-at-anti-lazy-training
Well, that's all for now. Enjoy. Or don't. Either way. But definitely comment. Yes, please comment. Or else I'll resurrect the Giraffatitan and sic him on you!
Headline: NJ woman charged in penis silicone injection death
The story, which is rather short, is that a woman injected a man's penis with silicone, presumably to make it bigger, and the man died. First of all, this woman is from New Jersey which I feel has to be taken into consideration. I mean look at Jersey Shore. It's not like that place breeds the smartest of people. The real question I have is, how bad does this woman have to be to require injecting a man's penis with silicone to make it bigger? I know a lot of guys, and if a gal can't make his Johnson bigger immediately, give him a couple of drinks and voila, like magic his penis will come out for her like she is some sort of snake charmer luring out a King Cobra. Though, as this story develops, if the guy she injected the penis of was anything like Jersey Shore's "The Situation", I think she should be given some sort of reward. The character of the dead penis man definitely needs to be taken into consideration.
http://usnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2011/12/09/9335265-nj-woman-charged-in-penis-silicone-injection-death
Next: Mugger Left Bloodied After Attempt on MMA Fighter
This story comes out of Chicago. The would-be mugger asked a guy in a car for a lighter. Guy in said car did not have a lighter. Apparently, the mugger got really pissed at this and decided that the appropriate response was not "Oh okay, thanks anyway" and was instead to say pull out a gun and say "GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR AND GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY! IF YOU DON'T HAVE A LIGHTER TO GIVE ME THEN I WILL ROB YOU AND FUCKING BUY ONE MYSELF DICKWAD!" (I'm assuming that's what he said cause that's what I would say). The driver of the car got out and managed to distract the mugger by presumably saying "Hey, I think that guy over there is handing out free lighters!" and then wrestled the gun away. Somehow in the struggle, I'm assuming the mugger saw that his target was clearly built and not afraid to defend himself and so thought "Oh shit, what have I gotten myself into?" Then he shot himself in the ankle. I approve of this move because shooting yourself in the foot is so cliche. After that, the driver beat up the mugger and restrained him until police came, where they likely laughed at the mugger and took him to the hospital. Moral of the story, if someone doesn't have a lighter, don't rob them because you will get your ass kicked and shoot yourself in the ankle.
http://usnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2011/12/06/9246414-mugger-left-bloodied-after-attempt-on-mma-fighter
Final story (for now?): Chinese Officials Caught Being Lazy at Anti-Lazy Training
I have so many ways I want to go with the story. The title pretty much explains it all. These workers were supposed to be watching a video conference on how to not be lazy, and in the process, were caught sleeping or reading newspapers. First of all, the material in the video conference was "to remind officials they cannot leave their posts, play games or 'attend recreational activities' during office hours." Neither sleeping or reading the paper were mentioned in that, so I don't know how these Chinese officials can be called lazy. They really needed to come up with a more comprehensive list. Secondly, I'm a fan of good-natured racism. Let's face it, the Chinese are not known for their stupidity or laziness. A blog I visit for a good laugh (http://www.quickmeme.com/High-Expectations-Asian-Father/) is all about the high expectations of Chinese parents. So the fact that this is a problem is kind of funny to me. And really, reading the paper is not what I would categorize as lazy as you are still engaging your mind. I'll give them the sleeping one, though, when you sleep you dream, and dreaming is normally work. One minute you're sleeping, the next you are shopping for peanut butter at Wal-Mart with your first grade teacher, your crazy Uncle Mike and a dolphin. So in my opinion, even the Chinese's laziness is not laziness by my book. Being on Facebook, watching TV or burning down your kitchen so you don't have to do the dishes is laziness to me. The Chinese, while incredibly smart, have a lot to learn about what is "lazy." I have more but I'm too lazy to write it...
http://worldnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2011/12/09/9330723-chinese-officials-caught-being-lazy-at-anti-lazy-training
Well, that's all for now. Enjoy. Or don't. Either way. But definitely comment. Yes, please comment. Or else I'll resurrect the Giraffatitan and sic him on you!
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Plethora
So I really like the word Plethora. I think it's an awesome word. However, I am scared shitless of that word.
Why you ask, faithful reader? Well don't worry, I will tell you.
Again, I actually like the word, I think it's awesome. It's just when I use it in a sentence, this is how I envision the scenario playing out.
What I want to happen:
Setting: Cardinal Stritch University - A day or two before a big test
Friend: "Alex, do you have a highlighter I can borrow? I want to organize my notes"
Me: "Nay friend. I don't have A highlighter you can borrow. I have a plethora of highlighters you can borrow"
Friend: "Golly gee wilikers (I have old school friends that don't necessarily share the same fucking potty mouth as me okay? So back the frick off, Damn) Alex, that's awesome! My notes will now be better color coated, which will help me remember them better. This in turn will help me do well on the test. I'll graduate with honors, get a good job, make good money. I'll be able to support my wife and kids, and help my mother pay for her heart surgery that won't be covered by Obamacare because it wants to kill old people (I also have some pretty Rush Limbaugh Republican friends). Thanks! You're the best!!"
Me: "I know friend, I know."
What I think will actually happen:
Setting: Cardinal Stritch University, a day or two before a big test
Friend: "Alex, do you have a highlighter I can borrow? I want to organize my notes"
Me: "Nay friend, I don't have A highlighter you can borrow, I have a placenta of highlighters you can borrow!"
Friend: "Dude...that's....that's just fucked up. (Not the same friend). That means either 1), you had a pregnant highlighter, which gave birth and expelled a placenta and you kept it and are offering to give that to me which is just gross, or, more terrifyingly 2) Being a nursing student, you have probably shadowed a birthing unit, and when a mother gave birth, took the human placenta, hollowed it out, and now keep it as a pouch in which you store highlighters. I don't want to know which one is correct, what I do know is I don't want to be your friend, and may God have mercy on your soul."
Me: "FUCK!"
That's right folks, I think I am going to mix up the words Plethora and Placenta in a conversation one day, and as a result, will lose friends. It's fucked up, but it's true.
Why you ask, faithful reader? Well don't worry, I will tell you.
Again, I actually like the word, I think it's awesome. It's just when I use it in a sentence, this is how I envision the scenario playing out.
What I want to happen:
Setting: Cardinal Stritch University - A day or two before a big test
Friend: "Alex, do you have a highlighter I can borrow? I want to organize my notes"
Me: "Nay friend. I don't have A highlighter you can borrow. I have a plethora of highlighters you can borrow"
Friend: "Golly gee wilikers (I have old school friends that don't necessarily share the same fucking potty mouth as me okay? So back the frick off, Damn) Alex, that's awesome! My notes will now be better color coated, which will help me remember them better. This in turn will help me do well on the test. I'll graduate with honors, get a good job, make good money. I'll be able to support my wife and kids, and help my mother pay for her heart surgery that won't be covered by Obamacare because it wants to kill old people (I also have some pretty Rush Limbaugh Republican friends). Thanks! You're the best!!"
Me: "I know friend, I know."
What I think will actually happen:
Setting: Cardinal Stritch University, a day or two before a big test
Friend: "Alex, do you have a highlighter I can borrow? I want to organize my notes"
Me: "Nay friend, I don't have A highlighter you can borrow, I have a placenta of highlighters you can borrow!"
Friend: "Dude...that's....that's just fucked up. (Not the same friend). That means either 1), you had a pregnant highlighter, which gave birth and expelled a placenta and you kept it and are offering to give that to me which is just gross, or, more terrifyingly 2) Being a nursing student, you have probably shadowed a birthing unit, and when a mother gave birth, took the human placenta, hollowed it out, and now keep it as a pouch in which you store highlighters. I don't want to know which one is correct, what I do know is I don't want to be your friend, and may God have mercy on your soul."
Me: "FUCK!"
That's right folks, I think I am going to mix up the words Plethora and Placenta in a conversation one day, and as a result, will lose friends. It's fucked up, but it's true.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Hello reader! Today I want to explain to you why jay-walking is dumb. Before I do though, let’s clarify a few things so we are all on the same page, my page, because I’m right.
When I say jay-walking, I don’t simply mean walking across the street between two crosswalks/intersections. The Jay-walking I’m referring to is the kind where you see a car coming and start crossing the street because the car will pass you and you can just keep walking. THAT kind of jay walking.
Here are the reasons it’s dumb:
Road rage is prevalent than the plague. Don’t believe me? Look at this tweet I found on Twitter:
@ajbusch Alex Buschmann Road rage is 83% more prevalent than the bubonic plague was back in the day.#TotallyRealStatistic #DidntMakeItUP #PleaseDontVerify
You can’t just make things up on Twitter. Plus, a hash tag said it wasn’t made up and that it is a totally real statistic. That being the case, when people have gone into road rage, much like beserker mode, they want to find an outlet for their anger. Letting their car swerve to the right or left a little and hitting you is a great outlet for anger. Plus, it’s kind of their mechanics fault for making sure the front end alignment isn’t straight. Well, the mechanics and yours for assuming the person wouldn’t serve. Morality, despite what many people may believe, isn’t exactly a universal thing. Not all people believe the same things are right and wrong. Take me for example. While the State of Wisconsin seems to think that one should obey the speed limit, and should have their registration up to date, I tend to disagree. I think my registration has been valid for maybe two years of the five I’ve had my car? And the speed limit is 30? Really? Then why do you make it so easy for me to go 45? Put curves or bumps or obstacles in the road to slow me down. Speed limit of 30 sounds more like a challenge than anything else. And while I’m at it, the whole license thing. There are plenty of people who have their drivers licenses that shouldn’t be driving. Yet there are people without their licenses who are considered “menaces” to society. Weirdos. You see how my view of right and wrong when it comes to traffic laws is different than society’s?
Well someone’s view of vehicular manslaughter may be a little different than yours. Maybe someone needs to make an offering to the Cthulu ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cthulhu ) and running you over is just the opportunity they were looking for. Or maybe they are having a contest with their BFF to see who can accumulate the most points on their license. I heard on the movie “The Toxic Avenger” (A true cinema classic) that a person on their bike is worth 25 if you get both them AND the bike. Mighty fine target if you ask me!
Natural selection is where nature weeds out the inferior. This may be through having a Lion catch the slowest gazelle, or it may happen by having someone run over for walking into traffic. I mean yeah, you could argue that you are seeing if you are superior enough to exist but do you really want to test that? And you are testing that. Especially if you are one of the morons who decide to jay-walk at night in all black. Guess what buddy, I’m probably not paying attention to the road. I’m either jamming out to the radio, or, at this time of the year, swearing at the radio for playing Christmas music. Both things I give 110% too, so paying attention to yourdumbass creative attempts to save a little time in crossing the road isn’t high on my priority list.
Finally, potentially, you are assuming a driver isn’t racist. Over the years, I have had the opportunity to interact with quite a few people who I would categorize as racist. This goes both ways mind you. Caucasians hating anyone with any amount of melanin in the skin, and people of African American or Hispanic descent hating whitey. If you happen to be trying to jaywalk in the general vicinity of a racist asshole and you happen to be the target of their ignorant bigotry through no fault of your own, simply because of the color of your skin, well then, you might also be the target of their Buick, Ford, or somewhat ironically, their Dodge.
So next time you find yourself needing to cross the road. Please don’t be a moron about it. Or do, because if you get hit because of jay-walking like this, I’m going to chalk up that one as a win for natural selection.
When I say jay-walking, I don’t simply mean walking across the street between two crosswalks/intersections. The Jay-walking I’m referring to is the kind where you see a car coming and start crossing the street because the car will pass you and you can just keep walking. THAT kind of jay walking.
Here are the reasons it’s dumb:
- You forget people have road rage issues at times
- You assume the driver has the same moral qualms about vehicular manslaughter as the rest of society
- I feel you don’t quite seem to understand natural selection
- (potentially) You might be assuming the driver isn’t racist
Road rage is prevalent than the plague. Don’t believe me? Look at this tweet I found on Twitter:
@ajbusch Alex Buschmann Road rage is 83% more prevalent than the bubonic plague was back in the day.
You can’t just make things up on Twitter. Plus, a hash tag said it wasn’t made up and that it is a totally real statistic. That being the case, when people have gone into road rage, much like beserker mode, they want to find an outlet for their anger. Letting their car swerve to the right or left a little and hitting you is a great outlet for anger. Plus, it’s kind of their mechanics fault for making sure the front end alignment isn’t straight. Well, the mechanics and yours for assuming the person wouldn’t serve. Morality, despite what many people may believe, isn’t exactly a universal thing. Not all people believe the same things are right and wrong. Take me for example. While the State of Wisconsin seems to think that one should obey the speed limit, and should have their registration up to date, I tend to disagree. I think my registration has been valid for maybe two years of the five I’ve had my car? And the speed limit is 30? Really? Then why do you make it so easy for me to go 45? Put curves or bumps or obstacles in the road to slow me down. Speed limit of 30 sounds more like a challenge than anything else. And while I’m at it, the whole license thing. There are plenty of people who have their drivers licenses that shouldn’t be driving. Yet there are people without their licenses who are considered “menaces” to society. Weirdos. You see how my view of right and wrong when it comes to traffic laws is different than society’s?
Well someone’s view of vehicular manslaughter may be a little different than yours. Maybe someone needs to make an offering to the Cthulu ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cthulhu ) and running you over is just the opportunity they were looking for. Or maybe they are having a contest with their BFF to see who can accumulate the most points on their license. I heard on the movie “The Toxic Avenger” (A true cinema classic) that a person on their bike is worth 25 if you get both them AND the bike. Mighty fine target if you ask me!
Natural selection is where nature weeds out the inferior. This may be through having a Lion catch the slowest gazelle, or it may happen by having someone run over for walking into traffic. I mean yeah, you could argue that you are seeing if you are superior enough to exist but do you really want to test that? And you are testing that. Especially if you are one of the morons who decide to jay-walk at night in all black. Guess what buddy, I’m probably not paying attention to the road. I’m either jamming out to the radio, or, at this time of the year, swearing at the radio for playing Christmas music. Both things I give 110% too, so paying attention to your
Finally, potentially, you are assuming a driver isn’t racist. Over the years, I have had the opportunity to interact with quite a few people who I would categorize as racist. This goes both ways mind you. Caucasians hating anyone with any amount of melanin in the skin, and people of African American or Hispanic descent hating whitey. If you happen to be trying to jaywalk in the general vicinity of a racist asshole and you happen to be the target of their ignorant bigotry through no fault of your own, simply because of the color of your skin, well then, you might also be the target of their Buick, Ford, or somewhat ironically, their Dodge.
So next time you find yourself needing to cross the road. Please don’t be a moron about it. Or do, because if you get hit because of jay-walking like this, I’m going to chalk up that one as a win for natural selection.
This is a post I wrote on my Tumblr just before Black Friday. It though, like everything else here, is awesome, and so I'm sharing it with you. This one will kinda make you think!
So two malls this year, one in California and one in Virginia, are going to be using technology to track cell phones in their malls this year in an effort to get shopping pattern information. Questions they hope to answer are “How many shoppers who go to Nordstrom also go to Starbucks” and “Are there any areas in the mall that people don’t really go to?” I thought I’d talk about this because I don’t only talk about States I think we should sell or stupid phrases, I also talk about serious things, serious things in awesome awesome ways.
First, malls have been doing similar things for years. They have watched where customers go and recorded places customers go. So this really isn’t anything new. What is new is the way they are doing it. This technology chooses a phones unique ID, then tracks it with antenna located throughout the mall. It essentially works similarly to how a cellphones location is triangulated by those cool detectives on Law & Order SVU. Basically, Ice-T is watching where you shop. Better buy him something nice.
So is this an invasion of privacy? The malls, of course, would say no. As I mentioned above, they have been doing this same thing for years and people have never objected. Hell, most of the time they don’t even know they are being watched and recorded. At least in this instance they are being told via signs throughout the mall and at store entrances. But there is something disturbing about knowing that the malls are accessing our personal cellphones which contains pictures of our kids, and for you sexters out there, genitalia, in addition to messages to loved ones and their contact information, to track us.
For those of you who are disturbed by that, the malls will tell you you don’t have to take part in it, and simply turning off your cellphone will make it so you can’t be tracked. Which is all fine and dandy, but what if I want to call a loved one. Or call an ambulance because someone has beaten me with a baseball bat to get, well, a baseball bat for pennies on the dollar? (It is Black Friday). Or, heaven forbid, there is a family emergency suddenly. I can no longer be reached simply because I don’t want to be tracked? That hardly seems fair. Though, it’s pretty similar to the federal government saying to our youth, “You don’t have to sign up for select service crap, it is your right not to. Of course, if you don’t, enjoy paying for college out of your own pocket asshole. Either that or you can hope to get that greeter job at Wal-Mart and maybe move up.”
On the flip side of that though, you are going to a private business, a mall. They should in theory have the right to watch what you do in their mall and use that information to try to make their business more efficient. If no one goes to Orange Julius, maybe they should move that out of there and get a new store in there. (I used Orange Julius as an example because of course people go there, that place is delicious. If you disagree with me, stop reading this because I don’t like you anymore and don’t want my wisdom to benefit you anymore.) And at least with the mall doing it this way, you no longer have people watching you without you knowing it. PLUS, as the article points out, online stores do the same thing but in a much more invasive way. They track what you buy and what you look at, then give the information to advertisers to better target ads at you. Though, that technology is slightly flawed as Facebook thinks I’m Republican, Twitter thinks I’m Democrat and clearly I am just borderline insane. (I know, I know, there is no borderline about it.)
So is this an invasion of privacy, or is this a kosher move on the part of malls? That’ll have to be your call. Just, if you don’t want to be tracked, remember you can’t actually make a call cause your cellphone has to be off.
http://money.cnn.com/2011/11/22/technology/malls_track_cell_phones_black_friday/index.htm
So two malls this year, one in California and one in Virginia, are going to be using technology to track cell phones in their malls this year in an effort to get shopping pattern information. Questions they hope to answer are “How many shoppers who go to Nordstrom also go to Starbucks” and “Are there any areas in the mall that people don’t really go to?” I thought I’d talk about this because I don’t only talk about States I think we should sell or stupid phrases, I also talk about serious things, serious things in awesome awesome ways.
First, malls have been doing similar things for years. They have watched where customers go and recorded places customers go. So this really isn’t anything new. What is new is the way they are doing it. This technology chooses a phones unique ID, then tracks it with antenna located throughout the mall. It essentially works similarly to how a cellphones location is triangulated by those cool detectives on Law & Order SVU. Basically, Ice-T is watching where you shop. Better buy him something nice.
So is this an invasion of privacy? The malls, of course, would say no. As I mentioned above, they have been doing this same thing for years and people have never objected. Hell, most of the time they don’t even know they are being watched and recorded. At least in this instance they are being told via signs throughout the mall and at store entrances. But there is something disturbing about knowing that the malls are accessing our personal cellphones which contains pictures of our kids, and for you sexters out there, genitalia, in addition to messages to loved ones and their contact information, to track us.
For those of you who are disturbed by that, the malls will tell you you don’t have to take part in it, and simply turning off your cellphone will make it so you can’t be tracked. Which is all fine and dandy, but what if I want to call a loved one. Or call an ambulance because someone has beaten me with a baseball bat to get, well, a baseball bat for pennies on the dollar? (It is Black Friday). Or, heaven forbid, there is a family emergency suddenly. I can no longer be reached simply because I don’t want to be tracked? That hardly seems fair. Though, it’s pretty similar to the federal government saying to our youth, “You don’t have to sign up for select service crap, it is your right not to. Of course, if you don’t, enjoy paying for college out of your own pocket asshole. Either that or you can hope to get that greeter job at Wal-Mart and maybe move up.”
On the flip side of that though, you are going to a private business, a mall. They should in theory have the right to watch what you do in their mall and use that information to try to make their business more efficient. If no one goes to Orange Julius, maybe they should move that out of there and get a new store in there. (I used Orange Julius as an example because of course people go there, that place is delicious. If you disagree with me, stop reading this because I don’t like you anymore and don’t want my wisdom to benefit you anymore.) And at least with the mall doing it this way, you no longer have people watching you without you knowing it. PLUS, as the article points out, online stores do the same thing but in a much more invasive way. They track what you buy and what you look at, then give the information to advertisers to better target ads at you. Though, that technology is slightly flawed as Facebook thinks I’m Republican, Twitter thinks I’m Democrat and clearly I am just borderline insane. (I know, I know, there is no borderline about it.)
So is this an invasion of privacy, or is this a kosher move on the part of malls? That’ll have to be your call. Just, if you don’t want to be tracked, remember you can’t actually make a call cause your cellphone has to be off.
http://money.cnn.com/2011/11/22/technology/malls_track_cell_phones_black_friday/index.htm
Top 50 States We Should Sell (part 1)
I have said it before and I’ll say it again, there are states that we just need to sell. Either because I don’t like them, or, well that’s really the main reason. I guess I could pull some reason out of my ass about why we should if you really wanted me to. What? You want me to? *Sigh* Alright, fine. Umm…we should sell these states to help us out of the deficit we have swan dived into. There, happy? God you all are freaking animals.
As there are a lot of states to go through, I’ll be doing this in parts. This is part 1. I tell you this because I assume you stopped reading my post title after “Sell” because you saw parenthesis and thought to yourself, “Yeah, fuck that, I’m not going to read anymore of this title.” Either that, or you have the memory of a goldfish like me and already for….wait, what was I talking about? Anyway, ready to learn what states we should sell? Here we go!
California: Quick, what is the San Andreas fault? If you said anything other than proof that God hates California you are wrong. I think it’s obvious why we should sell this state. It’s already going to break off into the ocean. Plus, California pays weather people to say it’s going to be nice out, whereas the rest of the country pays weather people to go on the air and lie to us about the weather. That’s just not fair. The only logical thing to do is to sell the state. Hell, half of them are probably high on medical marijuana as you read this, so they wouldn’t notice.
Who should we sell this state to? Iran. Let them deal with the pot heads.
Kansas: The state is in the middle of what we call Tornado alley, but then they expect us to feel bad when a tornado destroys homes. I live in Wisconsin, I don’t expect people to feel bad for me when I get snowed in by a blizzard. Come on people, let’s be real about this. Plus, they were too lazy to creatively name their state. When deciding their state name, they looked down the list of states that were already part of the union, got sick of reading by the time they got to Arkansas and thought “Fuck it, we’ll just steal their name.” (This is accurate timeline wise, look it up clowns!) Damn thieves. Bye bye Kansas, we don’t need your thieving, tornado ways anymore.
Who should we sell this state to? Mexico. It’s a pretty bad place, and if we want to keep immigrants out of our state so badly, send them to a crappy state. Duh.
Wyoming: I’m not even going to justify this one with an explanation. It’s WYOMING.
Who should well this state to? Whoever will buy it. Might be on the market for a while.
Pennsylvania: My desire to sell this state comes from my early years of playing fantasy football. Donovan McNabb was the quarterback to the Philadelphia Eagles, and I had drafted him onto my team. I was super excited and planned on going far with him. Then he got injured. Couldn’t cut him and couldn’t trade him. He basically sat as dead weight on my team. Well congrats McNabb, you are now dead to me. AND you have made it so I will never like any team from Pennsylvania. I even rooted for the Chicago Blackhawks to beat the Philadelphia Flyers. I rooted for a team from CHICAGO. God, now I hate you even more for making me do that. Asshole.
Who should we sell this state to? Transylvania. Would make a transition to this side of the world for Vampires easier if they had a “-Vania” to go to.
Florida: It’s filled with old people. Old people who fill out surveys. Plus no one there knows how to write their address. A lot of my hate towards this state came from my last job, so you’ll have to excuse me. It also looks like a semi-erect penis. I mean come on. We are America, there is nothing semi-erect about us. We can make other countries pregnant just by looking at them. Florida makes us look like we suffer from erectile dysfunction, like so many of its inhabitants, and we can’t have the other countries thinking we’re infertile. Sorry Florida but you has gots to go.
Who we should sell this state to? Japan. They need land that isn’t soaking in Radiation and that isn’t a breeding ground for Godzilla.
That’s all for now. Stay tuned for more!
As there are a lot of states to go through, I’ll be doing this in parts. This is part 1. I tell you this because I assume you stopped reading my post title after “Sell” because you saw parenthesis and thought to yourself, “Yeah, fuck that, I’m not going to read anymore of this title.” Either that, or you have the memory of a goldfish like me and already for….wait, what was I talking about? Anyway, ready to learn what states we should sell? Here we go!
California: Quick, what is the San Andreas fault? If you said anything other than proof that God hates California you are wrong. I think it’s obvious why we should sell this state. It’s already going to break off into the ocean. Plus, California pays weather people to say it’s going to be nice out, whereas the rest of the country pays weather people to go on the air and lie to us about the weather. That’s just not fair. The only logical thing to do is to sell the state. Hell, half of them are probably high on medical marijuana as you read this, so they wouldn’t notice.
Who should we sell this state to? Iran. Let them deal with the pot heads.
Kansas: The state is in the middle of what we call Tornado alley, but then they expect us to feel bad when a tornado destroys homes. I live in Wisconsin, I don’t expect people to feel bad for me when I get snowed in by a blizzard. Come on people, let’s be real about this. Plus, they were too lazy to creatively name their state. When deciding their state name, they looked down the list of states that were already part of the union, got sick of reading by the time they got to Arkansas and thought “Fuck it, we’ll just steal their name.” (This is accurate timeline wise, look it up clowns!) Damn thieves. Bye bye Kansas, we don’t need your thieving, tornado ways anymore.
Who should we sell this state to? Mexico. It’s a pretty bad place, and if we want to keep immigrants out of our state so badly, send them to a crappy state. Duh.
Wyoming: I’m not even going to justify this one with an explanation. It’s WYOMING.
Who should well this state to? Whoever will buy it. Might be on the market for a while.
Pennsylvania: My desire to sell this state comes from my early years of playing fantasy football. Donovan McNabb was the quarterback to the Philadelphia Eagles, and I had drafted him onto my team. I was super excited and planned on going far with him. Then he got injured. Couldn’t cut him and couldn’t trade him. He basically sat as dead weight on my team. Well congrats McNabb, you are now dead to me. AND you have made it so I will never like any team from Pennsylvania. I even rooted for the Chicago Blackhawks to beat the Philadelphia Flyers. I rooted for a team from CHICAGO. God, now I hate you even more for making me do that. Asshole.
Who should we sell this state to? Transylvania. Would make a transition to this side of the world for Vampires easier if they had a “-Vania” to go to.
Florida: It’s filled with old people. Old people who fill out surveys. Plus no one there knows how to write their address. A lot of my hate towards this state came from my last job, so you’ll have to excuse me. It also looks like a semi-erect penis. I mean come on. We are America, there is nothing semi-erect about us. We can make other countries pregnant just by looking at them. Florida makes us look like we suffer from erectile dysfunction, like so many of its inhabitants, and we can’t have the other countries thinking we’re infertile. Sorry Florida but you has gots to go.
Who we should sell this state to? Japan. They need land that isn’t soaking in Radiation and that isn’t a breeding ground for Godzilla.
That’s all for now. Stay tuned for more!
Never Judge a Book by it's Cover
Ever hear that expression, “never judge a book by its cover”? That expression is stupid. I’ll explain why!
When you are thinking of places to eat, and you decide you don’t care about quality of food, nor do you want to actually do anything other than say a number to have the food made for you and served to you in paper, you usually consider fast food. So you’ve settled on choking down some fast food.
Here are some of your options:
“Oh, that is an endangered species. Do you want them to go extinct?”
Umm, short answer. Yes. Long answer, absolutely I do. We force feed our farm animals to make them more delicious for us later when we slaughter them. Pandas spend most of their time eating. They are force feeding themselves for us. I think it’d be rude not to eat them. Plus, it’s called natural selection. If they weren’t meant to go extinct maybe they’d have panda sex a little more often. Ever think of that up there on your high horse Mr. Won’t Serve Me Panda Even Though I Work At A Place Called Panda Express Man? Didn’t think so.
What was I even talking about? Oh, that’s right. Not judging a book by its cover. We do that all the time. That’s why books have covers, so we can judge whether or not we want to read them. Same thing with all other aspects of life. So next time someone says “Never judge a book by its cover” look politely at them and say, okay, I won’t, but I will judge you. And right now, I’m judging that you’re stupid.
When you are thinking of places to eat, and you decide you don’t care about quality of food, nor do you want to actually do anything other than say a number to have the food made for you and served to you in paper, you usually consider fast food. So you’ve settled on choking down some fast food.
Here are some of your options:
- Burger King - hmm, I don’t really want burgers
- Taco Bell - I don’t really want whatever the hell it is that they serve there
- Kentucky Fried Chicken - I really prefer chicken fried in Texas, they fry so many people in the electric chair, their frying of chicken has got to be delicious!
- Panda Express - Yeah, I’d really like some Panda! Those fuckers are on the endangered species list aren’t they? Probably cause they are tasty!
“Oh, that is an endangered species. Do you want them to go extinct?”
Umm, short answer. Yes. Long answer, absolutely I do. We force feed our farm animals to make them more delicious for us later when we slaughter them. Pandas spend most of their time eating. They are force feeding themselves for us. I think it’d be rude not to eat them. Plus, it’s called natural selection. If they weren’t meant to go extinct maybe they’d have panda sex a little more often. Ever think of that up there on your high horse Mr. Won’t Serve Me Panda Even Though I Work At A Place Called Panda Express Man? Didn’t think so.
What was I even talking about? Oh, that’s right. Not judging a book by its cover. We do that all the time. That’s why books have covers, so we can judge whether or not we want to read them. Same thing with all other aspects of life. So next time someone says “Never judge a book by its cover” look politely at them and say, okay, I won’t, but I will judge you. And right now, I’m judging that you’re stupid.
Sending Kids to Court?
This is an older article, but I'm sharing it with you because I'm a good person like that!
I read an article from the Washington Post about kids who are being sent to court for school infractions. This is quite possibly the most insane and asinine thing I have ever heard of, and this is coming from a guy who told class mates he did well on exams because he snorted fairy dust in the bathroom before taking the exam.
First off, I want to know who was the first person to say/think: “Okay, this student is causing trouble, instead of disciplining him here, I’m going to utilize the court systems and send this 10 year old to court.”? I mean really? I can maybe understand and give someone the benefit of the doubt if we are talking about fighting or stealing, in which there is an actual victim. But the article says kids are being sent for having a soda, running in the hallways and dressing improperly. If you can’t deal with that, than maybe you shouldn’t work in a school.
I’d honestly hate to be the school administrators who are doing this’ kids. They seriously need coping mechanisms. GAH! I’d write more but I’m pretty sure my blood pressure is sky rocketing and I might have an aneurysm.
Here’s the full article if you want to read it: http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/education/in-texas-schools-a-criminal-response-to-misbehavior/2011/08/04/gIQA5EG9UJ_print.html
First off, I want to know who was the first person to say/think: “Okay, this student is causing trouble, instead of disciplining him here, I’m going to utilize the court systems and send this 10 year old to court.”? I mean really? I can maybe understand and give someone the benefit of the doubt if we are talking about fighting or stealing, in which there is an actual victim. But the article says kids are being sent for having a soda, running in the hallways and dressing improperly. If you can’t deal with that, than maybe you shouldn’t work in a school.
I’d honestly hate to be the school administrators who are doing this’ kids. They seriously need coping mechanisms. GAH! I’d write more but I’m pretty sure my blood pressure is sky rocketing and I might have an aneurysm.
Here’s the full article if you want to read it: http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/education/in-texas-schools-a-criminal-response-to-misbehavior/2011/08/04/gIQA5EG9UJ_print.html
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