Ode to Bacon

Dearest Bacon,

    It is almost Valentine's day and I wanted you to know that I love you. You are an amazing food. I could tell you that I love you because you just look so sexy or maybe that I love how when I'm frying you up I feel like you are giving a round of applause, cheering me on in all that I do. But that's too generic. So instead I'm going to tell you some of the non-traditional reasons I love you!

Choline - Bacon you contain Choline. No, not the chemical that goes in water, but Choline the water-soluble essential nutrient. Do you know what you do for babies? You help fetal brain development. Want to know a 100% real fact I am just now making up? Isaac Newton, Einstein and Hawking's mothers all ate a shit ton of bacon to help create super geniuses.

Bacon cures hangovers - Science has proven that you can cure the hangover I get when overindulging in alcohol. That is amazing and magical. Because you are full of protein, you break down into much needed amino acids. And when all that whiskey (just kidding, whiskey would never be so cruel as to give me a hangover. Let's blame a shitty beer, Budweiser. Wait, kidding again. I won't drink that shit. Vodka.Yeah. FUCK VODKA) vodka depletes my all too precious neurotransmitters, your high levels of amines tops off my levels giving me a clearer head and helping me remember what I may have forgotten from the night before, or to solve morning mysteries, like who peed the bed!

Addictive - You're addictive! I know, that might not sound like something I should be in love with but I am because you are way better for me than a crack addition. Seriously. When craving bacon, I've never thought "I should suck some strangers dick in an alley for money to buy bacon." No, I just go into one of the 69% (Um,awesome percentage!) of food service operators that serve you. That's way easier than sucking a dick. The addictive neurochemical response created by your Umami is second to none. 

You might help me live longer - That's right bacon, despite the metric shit ton of sodium and fat located within your meaty body, you could potentially help me live longer. The science on this isn't the most solid, but you contain a substantial amount of Niacin and when roundworms were fed a ton of niacin, they lived 1/10th longer than the worms that didn't eat all the niacin. Maybe that is why your patron saint, St. Anthony the Abbot is believed to have lived to 105 years old. Like a mother fucking, bacon eating boss.

Oh bacon, how I love thee. I do have to say though, I don't love Canadian Bacon. The problem with Canadian Bacon is it taste like lies. 

Bacon, this Valentine's day, I'm going to put you inside me. 

Love,
Alex

Note: If anyone reading this doesn't like bacon, please never ever read my blog again. I hate you and your stupid face.