Things adults should know how to do but apparently don't

When I was a child, I assumed there would be a certain point where I would become a "grown-up," have my shit together and know how to do everything.  It has come to my attention that I am, in fact, now a grown-up.  This is a terrifying thing to me because 1) I still laugh at farts and 2) I have become painfully aware that many "grown-ups" don't know basic skills. I want to cover three such skills that annoy me particularly and each time I encounter one of them I become one step closer to stabbing myself in the brain to help me cope. 

Flush a Toilet:

Seriously.  It's happened multiple times in the past month.  I walk into the restroom and it smells horrible.  I assume "Oh, someone must have taken a crap.  Oh well, it's the bathroom, it happens." only to walk by a stall and see the toilet bowl is filled with shit.  And it's never just a straggler who hung out after the first flush.  No, it's the kind of shit a drunken bear would take after eating Taco Bell at 3 in the morning.  I really hope it's just one person with a horrible bowel problem doing this, but it happens so often in different bathrooms I have to believe there might be multiple poop-etrators.

Also, and I may very well be wrong because it's not like I do an in-depth investigation of these crime scenes, but I never see any toilet paper in the toilet bowl.  If there really isn't, that means whoever is doing this is just running off after their done without wiping their ass.  God help their house, because the skid marks on their underwear must be something awful.  And don't you dare tell me they might be too busy to wipe their ass.  You are never too busy to wipe after that type of crap-fest.  My newborn baby child could be being eaten by an alligator and I would still take the time to wipe after a crap like that.  That shit is gross, and you are adults, take the time to wipe up.  The only potential positive is these are probably the same people who don't wash their hands. If they don't wipe up afterwards, there is less chance they have remnants of their bear shit on their hands when they touch you (and they will touch you, these people always are the ones who touch you).  So I guess there is that.

What makes this especially bad is it's not like toilets are different depending where you go.  It's pretty simple.  You push the damn lever down.  Maybe it's a button, concept is the same.  Push down on the thing that goes down when you push it.  You don't need to know calculus to flush a toilet.  Hell, you don't even need to read; looking for the thing that says "push here."  No, you just have to look for the one thing that you can push down and push it down and voila, no more poopy.

If I'm ever in the bathroom when someone takes a crap like that and find them walking out without first flushing I swear I'm going to make them headbutt the lever of the toilet until the toilet flushes.  It's gross people.  


Use an elevator

I'm serious.  People apparently don't understand basic elevator skills.  I could talk about those people on the elevator who assume whenever the elevator doors open it's their floor and they walk off, only to have to turn around and get back on.  But no, it's not those people I am talking about.  It's the people who get so excited the elevators door are about to open they start sprinting full speed at the damn doors.  My personal favorite is when they do this without ever looking up.  THEN, when they run into me, or just about, they give me some sort of evil stare like I am doing something wrong by being there. 

Why are you running for the elevator doors?  Do you assume you have 1.5 seconds to get through those doors or else they are going to close with such force they will cut you like a hot knife through butter? I work in a hospital for chrissake.  People regularly come out of elevators with wheel chairs or gurnees.  Clearly the elevator doors are going to stay open long enough for those people to get through, so you, a person mobile enough to run can get through.  Even if they do happen to close, guess what?  That button you pressed to get the elevator to come and open up that first time?  Yup, it's still there.  Just press it again and the doors will magically open back up for you.  If you are in that much of a hurry to get some place, take the stairs.  Hell, I am becoming more convinced by the day that if it's not on the first floor of the building you're in, it's probably not that important anyway.  You are going to hurt someone all because you're an idiot and don't realize that you can afford to wait 2 seconds to see if someone else coming out of the elevator.  Though, people coming out of the elevator are equally as retarded if I am to be honest.  I swear, some of them must be standing there, their nose to the door ready to take off as soon as they can fit through the doors.   

I'm seriously considering purchasing some pepper spray and next time this happens just spraying the person who is running into/out of the elevators in the face.  I won't even feel bad watching them suffering.  Really, I'm being kind, cause I could be some crazed lunatic with a knife stabbing wildly in front of me.  What would you rather have happen to you?  Get sprayed by someone who is on the verge of snapping or get stabbed by someone who snapped long ago? 

Park

I could deal with shitty drivers on the road I think, if I knew that once I got to my destination that people would know how to park.  Alas, apparently this is too idealistic and people do not know how to park.  It's two lines people.  How hard is it to get your car between two lines.  For all you NFL fans out there, I do understand on the line is considered "in", but this is not football, this is PARKING.  I really do not get it.  What's worse is I see guys with kids in their car doing this.  They clearly have trouble getting their car in the right spot, I'm surprised they were able to get other things in the right spot it in other aspects of their life.

Not only do they not know how to park though, but boy do they ever freak out if someone hits their car.  Well, I'm sorry dipshit, you parked too close.  I'm going to hit your car, especially if my car is older and/or in worse shape than your car.  And I won't feel bad.  In fact, it will make my day better doing it.  You are a moron and deserve everything bad that happens to your car when you park like an idiot.

The only redeeming factor is in certain situations, you are able to park in such a way that they cannot get in their drivers side door.  I personally suggest for any reader out there who shares this frustration with me, do just this.  Park them in and make it so it is impossible for them to get in the drivers side door.  If you park really close, and get out and think to yourself "Hmm...maybe they could still get in" get back into your car and repark closer to them.  If you're really lucky, someone will do the same thing on the other side and make it impossible for them to get in or out of their car.  For maximum effect wait for them to come to their car and watch their reaction.  You also absolutely should not feel bad for doing this.  They have it coming to them, because as we have all (should) have been taught by the golden rule, "When you park badly, people are going to do everything in their power to make your day and life in general miserable because you are a bad person and I hope you get diarrhea."

In conclusion, grown-ups are surprisingly dumb and many have a lack of basic skills that should be essential.  May God help us all.


Author's Note: After repeating that golden rule to someone, they informed me they in fact heard a very different form of the golden rule and suggested that I was making it up.  When I told them they're made up, they suggested I seek help.  I then explained to this person that my family's silver rule is "If someone tries to correct you, poop in their shoes."  This person left me alone after that.