Letter to my Dad

****Before you read.  This is going to be an uncharacteristically serious post for me.  If you come here for my hilarious writing, awesome judgement and to just generally be awestruck by my awesomeness, this may not be the post for you.  It's a post that is for me.  I could hand write this and not bother the world with it but 1) that shit would hurt my hand and 2) on the off chance someone, somewhere out there appreciates this it will have been worth posting publicly.  Okay, I've warned you.  If you read this and are disappointed at the end, you're a moron and you deserve your disappointment.  Just saying.****

   Dear Dad,

    It's been just over eight months since you passed.  I've experienced my first Father's Day without you.  I miss you, a lot.  Often times it's the littlest things that make me miss you the most.  For example, a few weeks ago at work in the cafeteria, they were serving beef stew.  It made me miss your beef stew, because to this day, you made the best beef stew.  I've thought about trying to make it, but have been afraid to try making it.  Isn't that silly?  Being afraid of making a dish of food?  But I am afraid because I'll make the beef stew, and it will suck donkey balls in comparison to yours, and then I'll miss you and your beef stew all over again.  Anyway, there are lots of things I want to tell you.  That I've wanted to tell you but couldn't because your gone.  I wish I could say them, but I'm not as good with speaking and finding the right words as I am as writing the right words. 
    Anyway, I'm kind of mad at you for the way I had to find you.  Coming upon a dead body is not something that I ever wanted to experience, much less my father's.  At the same time, I would have been incredibly pissed if someone called me and told me you passed away, so you can't really win here.  It was a shitty situation and I get upset when I think about it.  I see your body then I see the look on Kate's face and I remember the realization of what it all meant.  Damnit that sucked!  I'm also mad at you for leaving me when I was still grieving mom.  We had plans to hang out on the anniversary of her death the day after I found you and I needed that day to hang out and remember mom.  Instead I had to grieve the anniversary of mom's death AND try to wrap my head around your death.  Oh! I also had to deal with Guaranty Bank.  Do you have any idea how shitty of an institution they are?  Why in God's name were you banking with them?  I was literally moments away from stabbing several different employees at Guaranty Bank at different times.  That would have been your fault. I'm mad that you won't get to see any children that Kate and I have.  That they will grow up without a "grumpy grandpa Jim."  We are moving into a new place that needs some work.  I would have loved to bring you over and have you help show me how to do the repairs instead of being left guessing, googling and asking people that aren't you for help.  That's not fair!  I don't want the world to know of my general incompetence.  I've done a fairly decent job convincing the world I'm not an idiot.  Only you and maybe Kate were supposed to know. 
 
    You see dad, there is supposed to be an evolution of the relationship between a parent and a child.  The parent starts out as the teacher, helping to guide and teach the child the basics of language and interaction with people, places and things.  Then, they continue to guide their education while they are in school and act as authorities, establishing rules and setting boundaries which the child must push.  Then after the child becomes an "adult" the relationship slowly but surely starts to turn into more of a friendship.  I didn't get that with you though.  I think that's what I'm most mad about.

     It's not all being mad though, I promise you.  I'm happy you're with mom now.  I know that's what you wanted most of all, I know how much you, how much we, missed her.  You no longer have to miss her but instead get to sit with her and talk like you used to.  Talk about anything and everything, about that stupid show Big Brother you both were so into.  Hell, you get to watch real life Big Brother.  Hopefully I'm one of your favorite characters in real life Big Brother.  I'm happy you aren't in pain anymore.  Every time you cried out in pain, when I saw you close your eyes, grit your teeth, guard whatever part of you was hurting, it hurt me.  And, even in your death you have managed to teach me things.  I've learned a lot about myself, how I react to stress, how I internalize.  How I cope.  You definitely gave me your sense of humor, I used that a lot to cope with the loss of you. What am I saying, used. I should say I USE that a lot to help me cope with the loss of you. You can ask Kate, I definitely inherited your penchant for telling stupid jokes.  I also think mom must have somehow contacted her because she doesn't always react to them even though they are obviously hilarious.
 
    I don't know if you were reading over my shoulder when I read the card that Aunt Kathy gave me after your funeral, but it was really sweet.  I know you two had your differences and didn't always see eye to eye but it seems like she now knows there was a side to you she didn't know before.  She said she saw you were a good man, an amazing man and she got to see it because she saw it in me she said.
 
    Holy shit this is getting heavy even for me.  They're coming out with a Red 2!  While moving I saw the ticket stub that you kept for when you saw Red with Kate and I.  Kate and I will definitely be seeing that in theaters and we'll hold a seat for you.  Seriously, if someone tries to sit in your seat I will punch them in the face.  There we go...that's the dark sense of humor I use to cope.
 
    I don't have anymore right now.  Just know that I love you, I miss you and I do forgive you for leaving me the way you did.  It's selfish of me to be mad and I recognize that, but I am.  I'll get over it and I know it wasn't personal.  Despite being mad though, I can and do forgive you.  I love you pops!

Sincerely and with the greatest love,


Your son.