I have said it before and I’ll say it again, there are states that we just need to sell. Either because I don’t like them, or, well that’s really the main reason. I guess I could pull some reason out of my ass about why we should if you really wanted me to. What? You want me to? *Sigh* Alright, fine. Umm…we should sell these states to help us out of the deficit we have swan dived into. There, happy? God you all are freaking animals.
As there are a lot of states to go through, I’ll be doing this in parts. This is part 1. I tell you this because I assume you stopped reading my post title after “Sell” because you saw parenthesis and thought to yourself, “Yeah, fuck that, I’m not going to read anymore of this title.” Either that, or you have the memory of a goldfish like me and already for….wait, what was I talking about? Anyway, ready to learn what states we should sell? Here we go!
California: Quick, what is the San Andreas fault? If you said anything other than proof that God hates California you are wrong. I think it’s obvious why we should sell this state. It’s already going to break off into the ocean. Plus, California pays weather people to say it’s going to be nice out, whereas the rest of the country pays weather people to go on the air and lie to us about the weather. That’s just not fair. The only logical thing to do is to sell the state. Hell, half of them are probably high on medical marijuana as you read this, so they wouldn’t notice.
Who should we sell this state to? Iran. Let them deal with the pot heads.
Kansas: The state is in the middle of what we call Tornado alley, but then they expect us to feel bad when a tornado destroys homes. I live in Wisconsin, I don’t expect people to feel bad for me when I get snowed in by a blizzard. Come on people, let’s be real about this. Plus, they were too lazy to creatively name their state. When deciding their state name, they looked down the list of states that were already part of the union, got sick of reading by the time they got to Arkansas and thought “Fuck it, we’ll just steal their name.” (This is accurate timeline wise, look it up clowns!) Damn thieves. Bye bye Kansas, we don’t need your thieving, tornado ways anymore.
Who should we sell this state to? Mexico. It’s a pretty bad place, and if we want to keep immigrants out of our state so badly, send them to a crappy state. Duh.
Wyoming: I’m not even going to justify this one with an explanation. It’s WYOMING.
Who should well this state to? Whoever will buy it. Might be on the market for a while.
Pennsylvania: My desire to sell this state comes from my early years of playing fantasy football. Donovan McNabb was the quarterback to the Philadelphia Eagles, and I had drafted him onto my team. I was super excited and planned on going far with him. Then he got injured. Couldn’t cut him and couldn’t trade him. He basically sat as dead weight on my team. Well congrats McNabb, you are now dead to me. AND you have made it so I will never like any team from Pennsylvania. I even rooted for the Chicago Blackhawks to beat the Philadelphia Flyers. I rooted for a team from CHICAGO. God, now I hate you even more for making me do that. Asshole.
Who should we sell this state to? Transylvania. Would make a transition to this side of the world for Vampires easier if they had a “-Vania” to go to.
Florida: It’s filled with old people. Old people who fill out surveys. Plus no one there knows how to write their address. A lot of my hate towards this state came from my last job, so you’ll have to excuse me. It also looks like a semi-erect penis. I mean come on. We are America, there is nothing semi-erect about us. We can make other countries pregnant just by looking at them. Florida makes us look like we suffer from erectile dysfunction, like so many of its inhabitants, and we can’t have the other countries thinking we’re infertile. Sorry Florida but you has gots to go.
Who we should sell this state to? Japan. They need land that isn’t soaking in Radiation and that isn’t a breeding ground for Godzilla.
That’s all for now. Stay tuned for more!
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