Because I feel the national and mainstream news can be sometimes depressing, and most of the news people have a special talent at making me want to punch a baby, I often go travel the path less taken to find my news. I thought I would do the same for you, my readers, because I am nice, have a little free time on my hands and because I can use this as an opportunity to pass judgement on others to make me feel better about myself!
Headline: NJ woman charged in penis silicone injection death
The story, which is rather short, is that a woman injected a man's penis with silicone, presumably to make it bigger, and the man died. First of all, this woman is from New Jersey which I feel has to be taken into consideration. I mean look at Jersey Shore. It's not like that place breeds the smartest of people. The real question I have is, how bad does this woman have to be to require injecting a man's penis with silicone to make it bigger? I know a lot of guys, and if a gal can't make his Johnson bigger immediately, give him a couple of drinks and voila, like magic his penis will come out for her like she is some sort of snake charmer luring out a King Cobra. Though, as this story develops, if the guy she injected the penis of was anything like Jersey Shore's "The Situation", I think she should be given some sort of reward. The character of the dead penis man definitely needs to be taken into consideration.
http://usnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2011/12/09/9335265-nj-woman-charged-in-penis-silicone-injection-death
Next: Mugger Left Bloodied After Attempt on MMA Fighter
This story comes out of Chicago. The would-be mugger asked a guy in a car for a lighter. Guy in said car did not have a lighter. Apparently, the mugger got really pissed at this and decided that the appropriate response was not "Oh okay, thanks anyway" and was instead to say pull out a gun and say "GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR AND GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY! IF YOU DON'T HAVE A LIGHTER TO GIVE ME THEN I WILL ROB YOU AND FUCKING BUY ONE MYSELF DICKWAD!" (I'm assuming that's what he said cause that's what I would say). The driver of the car got out and managed to distract the mugger by presumably saying "Hey, I think that guy over there is handing out free lighters!" and then wrestled the gun away. Somehow in the struggle, I'm assuming the mugger saw that his target was clearly built and not afraid to defend himself and so thought "Oh shit, what have I gotten myself into?" Then he shot himself in the ankle. I approve of this move because shooting yourself in the foot is so cliche. After that, the driver beat up the mugger and restrained him until police came, where they likely laughed at the mugger and took him to the hospital. Moral of the story, if someone doesn't have a lighter, don't rob them because you will get your ass kicked and shoot yourself in the ankle.
http://usnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2011/12/06/9246414-mugger-left-bloodied-after-attempt-on-mma-fighter
Final story (for now?): Chinese Officials Caught Being Lazy at Anti-Lazy Training
I have so many ways I want to go with the story. The title pretty much explains it all. These workers were supposed to be watching a video conference on how to not be lazy, and in the process, were caught sleeping or reading newspapers. First of all, the material in the video conference was "to remind officials they cannot leave their posts, play games or 'attend recreational activities' during office hours." Neither sleeping or reading the paper were mentioned in that, so I don't know how these Chinese officials can be called lazy. They really needed to come up with a more comprehensive list. Secondly, I'm a fan of good-natured racism. Let's face it, the Chinese are not known for their stupidity or laziness. A blog I visit for a good laugh (http://www.quickmeme.com/High-Expectations-Asian-Father/) is all about the high expectations of Chinese parents. So the fact that this is a problem is kind of funny to me. And really, reading the paper is not what I would categorize as lazy as you are still engaging your mind. I'll give them the sleeping one, though, when you sleep you dream, and dreaming is normally work. One minute you're sleeping, the next you are shopping for peanut butter at Wal-Mart with your first grade teacher, your crazy Uncle Mike and a dolphin. So in my opinion, even the Chinese's laziness is not laziness by my book. Being on Facebook, watching TV or burning down your kitchen so you don't have to do the dishes is laziness to me. The Chinese, while incredibly smart, have a lot to learn about what is "lazy." I have more but I'm too lazy to write it...
http://worldnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2011/12/09/9330723-chinese-officials-caught-being-lazy-at-anti-lazy-training
Well, that's all for now. Enjoy. Or don't. Either way. But definitely comment. Yes, please comment. Or else I'll resurrect the Giraffatitan and sic him on you!
How did you know about me shopping with a dolphin?
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